Tuesday, March 22, 2011

the "b" word



f21 shorts and tshirt, thrifted flats

me again.  well, at least I hope you remember me.
this one post a week thing is not working for me, and I don't think it's working for you either, no?  I wouldn't like to think my readership is decreasing because I'm not posting as often, so I am going to try to post more.  no promises.  just effort.

as far as life these days, well...it's alright.
 I'm struggling with body image as of late, and I keep on wondering how I'm perceived by other people.  only my view of myself matters, I realize that, but why do I still fixate on how I'm viewed on the outside?  why must all my worth be focused on appearance and physical attributes when my beauty comes from within?

on the other hand, there is one part of my life that I've never talked about before on this blog, because of (a) embarrassment, (b) privacy, and (c) the risk of sounding naive.

boys.  
the opposite sex. 
the most terrifying creatures roaming the earth. 
or perhaps the stupidest.

while the last line could be up for debate, whether girls like it or not, there is no living with them, and there is no living without them.  I personally have not had much experience with guys, which is probably unexpected coming from a 17-year-old girl.  I have friends who have gone through guy after guy like they are the latest fashion.  but while that happens, I am the best friend standing by watching until girl breaks boy's heart, or vice versa.  I am no heartbreaker, because I really have never had a heart to break; with the exception of creepers. 

so what sparks this latest interest in boys?  what brings about this change of the century?  well, this is where my awkwardness and new-found health come into play.  back when I was involved with ED, no one else had a place in that picture; there wasn't any room..nor did I have the slightest fascination.  but now things are a little way different, and there is a space in my life.  but my awkward, shy qualities hold me back from truly expressing myself to people in a genuine manner.  I don't feel as though I can fully show my real self to those I am attracted to.  I am either afraid of rejection and/or just really nervous and uncomfortable.  and at the same time, body image comes into action as well.  am I pretty enough? skinny enough? attractive enough?  am I enough to be liked?

how do you find yourself acting around those of the opposite sex?

xoxo

10 comments:

  1. Em,

    i am inlove with your hair!!!! it looks so great curled.

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  2. I love your shorts and you hair <3
    I'm very awkward with guys too. I'm starting to be able to handle friendship, but anything more is hard for me.
    ~Dana

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  3. Hmmmm...Pretty awkward. But then again, I go to an all-girl school, so I don't see them often. Maybe that's why!

    I love the shorts, planned on getting them but they didn't have my size :(

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  4. Love your look and your hair is amazing.

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  5. I have those shorts in a different pattern! They are the greatest things everrrr!

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  6. your outfit is so great. you look amazing here! no matter what, I will always feel nervous around boys. even not very cute ones!

    xoxo

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  7. i'm such a tomboy, so usually im acting like one of the boys! is that a bad thing :P

    xx.M

    www.bellesandrebelles.blogspot.com

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  8. reading your post was like deja vu for me! i am an 18 year old girl recovering from an ED also, so it's the same exact way for me. I am attending a university now, it's better, but I still have the same fears as you. and I can completely relate to not having time for guys since there was no room in your life. but i don't really have any outstanding advice to give you-- BESIDES, suck it up when you are around men and just be confident. you can freak out about it when you're alone. Guys don't like girls that are constantly putting themselves down (i ruined quite a few things by doing that all the time). just be confident and let your beauty shine!

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  9. Hello!
    I have been reading your blog for a while. I just wanted your advice on something.
    I feel like i'm on the verge of an ED. I feel fat all the time, and I feel like I'm losing hope. I play sports, and summer [swimsuit season. ugh] is coming up. I feel like there's no other way to be skinny than to starve myself.
    I can't help it. I am so depressed all the time, and I feel like I eat WAY too much, and I feel like I have no friends.
    Sorry to bother you.
    just needed a vent

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  10. anon -- you are not bothering me at all. first of all, I am so glad that you've taken initiative and have realized you might have a problem, that's half the battle. my advice to you, though I know it is going to be difficult, is to tell someone you trust, like one of your parents or something. as soon as you have someone to help you, you will feel a sense of relief. despite what you might think, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. sure, you might feel like you need to lose weight, but starving yourself is not the answer. love your body, it's the only one that is given to you, and it deserves nourishment. if you ever need anything, feel free to email me at emily.secretdoors@gmail.com, I'm always here for support!

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