Thursday, March 18, 2010

does it get easier?

"a moment, a love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry"
Temper Trap

My favorite song right now - Sweet Disposition by Temper Trap.  Check it.

Anywho, how is Thursday treatin' ya?
Mine is pretty swell, thanks.

Alright, now let me cut to the chase.  Yes, I am writing a book.  
To my knowledge, I don't think there has been a book published by a teenage girl in the ups and downs of recovery, so that's exactly what I am going to do.  Yes, it's a huge undertaking, I understand that.  But I am up for the challenge, because a) I love to write and b) I have a lot to say.  And one exciting aspect is that my therapist is so so so so excited for me and wants to write the foreword :)  I don't really have any specific plans right now for how I am going to tackle this, I am just going to start writing, and see where it takes me.

On another note, the fashion show!  so exciting!  I will most definitely be posting pictures.  It is going to be a great event for a absolutely wonderful cause.  It's sponsored by Nordstrom and will be in honor of a fellow classmate who passed away two years ago from Cystic Fibrosis.

And in other areas of mi vida..things have been going......okay.
I have gained weight, I know it, I feel it, I see it.

good thing? of course.
freaking me out? abso-freaking-lutely.

I am seeing parts of my old not-so-happy-with-her-body personality reappear.  The pinching, the looking, the deleting of various pictures because of..dare I say...disgust.  Body image is not really my friend these days.  I got a bathing suit today, tried it on, and well, I don't have the same body anymore.  It's a half and half situation -- I am happy that I'm getting healthy, but I am terrified/unhappy/freaking about the vanity part of the whole ordeal. 

Does it get easier?
Please say it does.

welp, I hope you have a fantastico night.
TGIF tomorrow -- thank the lord, I thought I was gonna go crazy.

Goodnight bloggies!


  1. love that song!!! temper trap was actually just here performing at the fillmore in SF a few days ago..i didn't go, sadly. aw, great cause, sad about your classmate!

  2. It will get better... you are on the right track. I'm so excited about your new venture. Go girl, write your book. Good luck on the fashion show. xoxo

  3. oh my goodness. that porch is BEAUTIFUL!!! almost as beautiful as you! but not quite ;] but the two of you together = stunning photo!
    stay strong sweetie. were in the exact same boat and i feel ya 100%
    i was going to write a book too! i started, and then didn't think i was good enough to write a book so i stopped lol. theres ED for ya.
    GOOD LUCK!! <3 love you

  4. Brilliant idea, m'dear! It's a brave thing to share your story and offer help to others. It's very rewarding. I find myself wanting to do the same thing! Not writing a book necessarily!

  5. BEAUTIFUL pictures girlie!!
    I've actually been writing a book too.. it has entries from my treatment journals and such.. but I doubt I would ever try to publish it, my therapist just thought it would be a good outlet for me.
    I'm totally in the same spot you are.. gaining weight.. hating it, wanting to be healthy, but not wanting the body that comes with it.. having trouble adjusting to my new body.. body check.. IT SUCKS. I think it will get better though.. I BELIVE it will get better.
    stay strong! <3

  6. gorgy pics; i love the sunlight!
    congrats on your book! that is an amazing feat; i'm excited for you!
    and yes, it gets easier, and sososo much better. hang in there hon!

  7. Sweet, sweet Emily - the body image thing I can 100% relate to. I myself am going through those exact feelings. The want to get healthier, but the fear of physically changing. It's s vicious cycle, but I know we'll overcome it.

    I am so proud of you for undertaking the challenge of writing a book on recovery. I support you all the way, girl.

    Love so much,

  8. Emily, it does get easier I believe! It an take time, but you have the right mentality to take you there. It is hardest when the body is new, and it doesn't feel like you were meant to live in this 'shell'. After some patience though, the shock wears off and reality's voice becomes more audible. I hope that we fan both return to that place!

    So admirable of you to propose to write your novel! Enjoy the process.

  9. I does get better Emily... when I first gained back a lot of the weight, I felt the exact same way. It's so hard to adjust to an entirely different body.. it's almost as if the brain isn't quite fast enough to keep up with the gaining.

    You are exactly right that this weight gain is a GREAT thing.. you are getting so healthy, and believe me, from your pictures, you are stunning =) You DON'T want to be back in that dark place where you are small, fragile, lifeless and weak. You are FINALLY in a place where you are healthy, happier, full of life and absolutely radiant. Don't ever discredit how far you have come :)

    <3 Tat

  10. I am in love with that skirt! And the beautiful weather it seems you got to experience! Your book idea is fantastic and I can't wait to see the fashion show pictures. Don't let ED get to you, beautiful. He doesn't know what he is talking about! -Kylee

  11. Honey, it will get better, I promised! I too have gained much more than I intended.

    I don't know how I got over it...I think it's just that I spent more time with my friends, laugh, normal teenager stuff...and I saw myself as a beautiful hot chick. Not bragging here :)

    And I can honestly say that you're one hell of a beautiful hot chick. I wish you can see it very soon!!!


  12. It really doesn't get easier; but you learn to live with it. You just have to take it day by day, and try to divert your attentions elsewhere - writing a book, or being in a fashion show are fabulous ideas!

    And yayay for "Sweet Disposition." LOVE that song. Also love your boots!! :)

  13. A. These photos are gorgeous!!! I love the backdrop. You should take photos outside more often!

    B. What an amazing but brave undertaking - a book! Wow, Em. I'm so proud of you. I can't wait to read about the writing process.