Sunday, February 21, 2010

a little love...

shall we start off this post with love?
I think so...

I hope this signifies at least a portion of the love and gratitude I have for each and every single reader and commenter out there.  You all fill me with such light and positivity.  Just when I think I am in a continuous somersault down this slippery slope, I get a comment that makes me day.  Nothing I could ever say can express how thankful I am to have this blog and the community that backs me up.
And if you are new to Secret Doors, I extend the same love to you, too!

alright, that's enough sappy Emily for one night.

So last night I went to a surprise party.  All was well and good.  I had fun dancing with my friends and all that jazz. Then came one thing into the equation...boys.  I am by no means new to that word or new to girl/boy parties and such, rather it brought me back to a dark place.  The whole "not being good enough" thing contributed largely to my eating disorder.  I always looked in the faces of boys to prove myself worthy.  If I was rejected, I had to change something about myself.  Which ultimately led to a BIG, unhealthy change (enter: eating disorder).  Now, there are many factors I associate in the "why's?" of my ED, so note that this particular reason is one of a variety and not the one main cause, because truthfully, I don't think there is ever one main cause.  But I digress...last night seeing as how a bunch of other girls were getting attention from guys, it was a little triggering.  I was brought back to a time where I didn't feel comfortable with myself, not saying that I completely am now, but it was just a really negative experience.  ED started screaming in my head telling me I was too big, I didn't look as good as I once used to, or as good as the girl standing next to me.  It reminded me of how I used to think and how I used to feel.

So later, I went to one of my best friend's house and had a little venting session.  And I cannot tell you how good it feels to have such wonderful, caring friends.  In the words of someone I know and love...

"Emily, I believe that our bodies are just something we go around in, housing what really matters, our can't just base your worth on your body, because you are so much more than that."

It's heart-warming to know that I've got so many beautiful people, inside and out, that are on my side.  
It truly means the world.

But when you don't have words like the aforementioned to support you at your lowest moments..
how do you cope with triggering situations? 
 what do you find or do to comfort you?

and on that note, that's all I've got.  
plus this cuteness to brighten your day...

Sweet dreams!

thanks to we heart it.


  1. Hi girl! I tried to post a comment yesterday but I don't think it ever went through. The second picture from your post yesterday is the first time I've seen you smile. YOU ARE GORGEOUS. Smile more!

    I'm glad you had such a nice moment with your friend last night - those are the best, aren't they?


  2. Awww, I love chubby squishy puppies! They are the best! haha

    Sorry you had a hard time at the party. I can relate to the not feeling good enough for guys, always thinking there must be something wrong with you, etc. That's so great though that you had a friend to vent to afterwards. And the quote is fantastic - so, so true. I really need to remember that more! We are housing our souls; let's treat our bodies that way!

    As for coping with triggering situations...I'm still trying to figure that one out. I'm not too good with dealing with situations like that while they're happening. I usually freeze up and my entire mood is ruined and I'm then not too much fun to be around! I wish I didn't react like that, but I do. I find taking a hot bath, journaling, listen to music, venting to a friend, reading a fun book, blogging...all those things comfort me when I'm feeling down.

    Love you and your blog!

    ~ Catherine

  3. your friends osund like great peeps! so true, we are more than our bodies, our souls are what matter! i love the pic at the top of your post btw

  4. I love you so much girl... and it's great to have the unconditional support and love from other people.

  5. I'm so glad you have such an amazing friend! I know I feel those same feelings, especially around the opposite sex. It's awesome when you can vent to someone like that and feel better afterwards. You're beautiful! -Kylee

  6. Rejection feels horrible, especially from someone who you want to like you or who you admire. But I think the best thing is to look past what other people think. You know you're hot so who cares what other people think!! Love yourself, all of yourself and radiate that confidence! It's their loss for not paying attention and one day they'll see what they're missing out on. Your body truly is a center. You only get one in a lifetime so you got to love what you got.
    Friends are the best and always there for ya:)

  7. wow, emily. It sounds like you have some great friends. In all honesty, you know that we are sO much more than our eating disorder and our bodies. One day, you will find a man who loves you for yOU, gorgeous girl!

  8. awww baby i'm sorry you were triggered :[ some situations are just like that, and i'm sure ED just made the "rejection" seem like it was there but really, it wasn't. you are so beautiful and amazing and no boy (except maybe idiotic high school boys) would ever EVER reject you. stay strong and keep fighting hard! :]

  9. Awww...I heart this post, Emily. So sweet. I find that sometimes the best way to cope with a triggering situation is to just seek solace in a beloved stuffed animal. :)

  10. That cuteness definitely brightened my day. SO adorable!

  11. Awww I am sorry you had a hard time at the party! I think everyone has those feelings of not being good enough even when they are surrounded by people who love them! But just know that you ARE good enough and you're super gorgeous :)

  12. you looked so good on saturday, don't ever let yourself or anyone else make you think other wise.
    p.s. girls rule.. boys droolllll

  13. aww omigosh emily, I'm so glad you are feeling better, and I totally understand the need to rant. & aren't guys like falling at your feet?! you are ridiculously gorgeous :)

    but even more importantly, YOU also have a beautiful soul <3

  14. PS... Emily, I thought of you when I bought that skirt. I know it's so YOU. xoxo