Monday, November 9, 2009

the story behind the face

Evening everyone :)

For a while I’ve been meaning to tell you all a little bit more about me and for a while I’ve managed to put it off – until now!  I finally got some inspiration, so here is a survey “thingamabob” for your pleasure.  I would say this is somewhat egocentric, but ‘tis my blog and I get to do whatever I feel like doing, right?

Who am I?

My name is Emily, I’m fifteen, and I’m a sophomore in high school.

Why am I blogging?

I’m blogging for my personal enjoyment of course :)  And to share my daily lookbook of various ensembles.  Also, I use this blog as a “support group” for my struggles relating to my battle with anorexia. 

What’s my story?

Starting in the summer of ‘08, I set out to lose a few pounds.  I began to eat healthier, and much less than I had before, plus I also started exercising everyday.  As the weight started to come off, my mind molded to the “high” of being able to lose weight in a very short amount of time.  The numbers on the scale crept lower and lower, and as I continued to be in denial about my whole situation, I made it seem like everything was fine on the outside. 

Throughout the summer, I attended two camps.  One was a basketball camp and the other was a traditional sleepover camp.  I can remember being at the basketball camp, anxious to see what the cafeteria was like in order to scope out the safe foods.  It is beyond me how I made it through those four days on that caloric intake.  I had nearly 3-4 games per day and was eating a fraction of what I should have been.  All the while I was there, my mind was elsewhere – I couldn’t wait to get back home and test the scale.

At the second camp I went to, which was much later in the summer, my restricting had gotten to a even more horrible point.  I skimped by on next to nothing, while enduring rigorous physical activity throughout the six days I was there.  People around me made numerous comments on how little I was eating, but I chose to ignore them and continue you on in my need to lose more weight.

All through the summer I was a loner; I barely hung out with my friends and never called anybody to talk.  My parents just thought that I would get back into the swing of a social life once the school year started, but that wasn’t the case.  The start of school initiated routine; I needed to have one in order to keep everything “okay”.  I began eating the same thing every single day for breakfast and for lunch and then for dinner I would eat small portions of whatever I ordered or my mom cooked.  My weight plummeted.

The more weight I lost, the more irritable I became and the more stressed out I was.  I was constantly thinking about what I was going to eat, lying awake in my bed wondering how I could get by like this for the rest of my life.  I didn’t want to admit it, but I knew something was wrong.

By late November, early December I was trying to find the courage and the strength to say something to my mom about what was going on with me.  I was afraid and worried about what she would say.  Then one day, after spending hours on the computer researching eating disorders, I realized that I fit the bill- I showed all the symptoms.  I finally gave in and expressed to my mom my obsessive thoughts about food.  She immediately made an appointment with a therapist, who I still see, to get me the help I needed. 

After numerous doctors, nutritionist, and therapy appointments throughout these past 12 months, I am still in the throws of recovery.  There was a great deal of time where Emily didn’t come through ED, and he dominated my decisions of what to do with moving forward towards health.  Now, I’m glad to say, though I’m obviously not ED free, I am making strides. 

and I’ll end on my look…

9-6 001

- black jacket
- jean shorts
- burgundy tights
- boots

Hope you all enjoyed my recap.

Goodnight!

 

8 comments:

  1. Wonderful story, dear Emily :)

    I know how you felt, about You knew something was wrong, but didnt want to admit it. You felt safe, secure, yet PETRIFIED beyond beleif.. but that fear was being taken care of by starving yourself.. even though YOU KNEW it was hurting you.. you only barely knew. an ongoing battle in your mind between what is right and wrong.. everyone and everything telling you are are NOT okay.. yet FEELING you are ''fine''. oh the lies:(
    I remember my mom coming into my room to sleep in the same bed as me. She was scared I wouldnt wake up.. i could always hear is sobbing.. it broke my heart taht i couldnt fix anything.. even though I knew I should be.. its SO strange the things that go on in your mind when you are so malnourished.
    I think I really came out of denile only this year...I was "forces'' into treatmment by my family and doctors.. 4 years I just did what they said.. I finally feeler stronger that I KNOW.. DEVAN knows .. what to do, and that I have a strong support system around me.

    You are SO beautiful, Emily!! With great fashion, a stunning smile :), and a strong mind. You are so full of beautiful words, which really enlighten the bloggisphere. Thank you for being here girly.

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  2. i love your story and hate it at the same time, its sad but at the same time inspiring at the end. your a lovely writer

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  3. You are very inspiring. Hope your blog gets to be read by a lot of teenage girls battling ED.

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  4. I can relate to knowing something is wrong, and I did, I chose to ignore it. I believed I was onto a good thing, but I wasn't.
    xx

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  5. thank you for telling your story beautiful.
    i find that is very similar to my own. (especially the fact that we have the same name)
    i remember trying to explain it to my mom, it took me like 5 different times, but actually i let her read my blog and it really helps her to understand and help me more.
    hope you had a great day & have an even better one tomorrow :)

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  6. I heart you Emily; I truly do. Your story basically mirrors mine.

    I started exercising a bit in February of 2005. I saw that my body was becoming more toned, so I started exercising more. I developed "exercise bulimia." I would work out for hours each day, burning off all calories I had consumed. Before too long, I simply cut my caloric intake down to less than 500 calories per day - paired with the fact that I was working out for upwards of two hours per day.

    I had no energy, I was irritable, I was depressed - but I looked good. Everyone made comments about my behavior; I wrote it off as jealousy. Finally in November of 2007, I looked into eating disorders a bit, and realized that I had Anorexia Nervosa and Exercise Bulimia. I did come clean to my mom. Since then I have been recovery. Even now, I am not completely clear of it - I struggle with eating; and when I first started recovery, I fell into the pattern of Bulimia Nervosa for a few months, where I would purge. It's a slow process; but I think that we can both make it through. :)

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  7. thanks for sharing your story my love, it was so good to read more about you. i can relate to a lot of what you wrote, especially being caught up in the "high" of losing weight but being convinced theres nothing wrong.
    you have come so far since then and its great to watch you grow as a person as your recovery continues :)

    lots of love
    hannah xo

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  8. Wow! It was so good to read about you! As usual, you are incredibly inspiring I am excited to see you grow even more as a person!

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